Jason Mahr’s eldest son was 13 years old when Mr. Mahr and his wife gave him access to social media, a decision the 44-year-old father of five regretted immediately.
It became “like an addiction,” said Mr. Mahr, a student coach and former youth pastor who lives in Woodstock, Ga. His son was quickly swept up in seeking the approval of others online, Mr. Mahr said. He has since been more deliberate about how and when he lets his younger children start using social media, but backpedaling with his eldest has been difficult.
Recently, the warnings around teens’ social media use have grown particularly loud, as both the U.S. surgeon general and the American Psychological Association have issued reports about the risk of harm to adolescents’ mental health. Yet for many families, that ship has sailed. Survey results from Pew Research found that 95 percent of teens said they had access to a smartphone, while 35 percent said they were using at least one of the top five social media platforms (YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook) “almost constantly.”
Jean Twenge, a psychologist who has spent years warning about the effects of social media on teenagers’ mental health — and a mother of teens herself — said parents should “be confident in setting some reasonable limits,” but empathized with how challenging that can feel, in the absence of better regulations for children on social media sites. “This is what so many parents are struggling with, and it’s too bad we have to.”
For those looking to walk back their teens’ social media use, these three strategies can help.
1. Come up with boundaries together.
The American Academy of Pediatrics offers a free tool that can help you devise a family media plan, even if that is not something you’ve had as a family before.
“The problem is slightly different for each kid, so the solution will also look a little different,” said Dr. Nina Vasan, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Stanford University School of Medicine and the founder and executive director of Brainstorm, Stanford’s lab for mental health innovation. She has collaborated on a social media safety plan with her colleagues at Stanford that is under review for publication in an academic journal. The plan emphasizes the importance of making such decisions collaboratively.
Ask your child about what kinds of changes feel doable. For example, maybe your teen feels OK with paring down the number of platforms he or she uses. Or perhaps your children are more open to the idea of establishing a maximum amount of time they’re allowed to spend every day on social media platforms, or on screens altogether.
Installing apps that allow parents to block certain websites and set time limits on devices can help you enforce these boundaries, according to the Stanford social media safety plan.
2. Propose a social media vacation.
Experts stress that social media is not inherently bad, and that it can help young people connect with others and express themselves. But it’s also a good idea to talk to kids about the potentially harmful effects of too much social media, said Lisa Damour, a psychologist and frequent contributor to The New York Times.
If your child is showing signs of problematic social media use, you may consider instituting a complete break to recalibrate your child’s behavior. For some teens, that recalibration might take a few weeks; for others, it might take a few months, Dr. Vasan said.
If that does not feel doable or necessary, you could have your teen abstain from social media use one day a week, and see how that goes. Parents can take a break, too, and talk to their teens about how they are coping, Dr. Vasan said. It may also help to get another family onboard: “For example, talk to the parents of your kids’ closest friends and come to a collective agreement to help the kids simultaneously decrease their social media use,” she said.
Expect pushback, added Dr. Vasan, who reiterated the importance of giving teens a sense of agency: “Tell them they need to cut down, but they can choose how they will cut down.”
3. Hold firm around protecting sleep and other healthy habits.
Research has shown that teens who use smartphones around bedtime — or who have a device in the bedroom overnight, but do not use it — get less sleep and have poorer quality sleep than children with no access. Parents should explain to their children why smartphones cannot be in the bedroom, Dr. Twenge said.
Dr. Twenge recommends sticking with a consistent strategy, like having a charging station where all family members — adults included — keep their phone overnight. Parental controls that let parents simply turn their children’s phones off overnight may not be appropriate for older teens who drive or frequently have sleepovers, she said, but they can be a good option for younger adolescents.
In general, parents should maintain firm boundaries around sleep, opportunities for physical activity and in-person socialization, Dr. Damour said, adding, “I think parents can say to teenagers: I’m not necessarily against technology. I am for the activities that we know are essential for healthy development.”
As for Mr. Mahr, he and his wife apologized to their eldest son, telling him they made a mistake by giving him access to platforms he wasn’t developmentally ready for. Now 21, their son has come to appreciate his parents’ perspective, telling them he wishes he wasn’t given access in the first place.
Audio produced by Kate Winslett.
